Here's where we have it backwards
A great source of my own friends having moved to Maine: The Midlife Conference.
I’m going to let you in on a secret: one of the biggest reasons we get stuck on things that matter is because we have it backwards how to get unstuck.
We think we need clarity on what direction we want to take and then we can move forward. But the more we insist on that clarity, the more elusive it becomes. Then, voila, stuck.
In fact, the opposite is true. We need to take some steps. I prefer if they’re small, light, with little risk associated with them. But whatever the steps, it’s by taking them that clarity arrives.
We don’t need clarity to move forward, we need to move forward to get clarity.
As we step, we’re starting to feel (in small doses) what we wish to feel, and it reinforces our confidence that we can get where we wish to go.
There’s more. Often when we do step, another thing we get wrong is reading “signs” into those first steps. Oh, I tried this, and it didn’t work like I thought. It must not be for me. Wait! Stop! Don’t give first steps such momentous meaning. A failure isn’t a sign but a clue. When something doesn’t work how we expect, the trick is to ask why not?, iterate, and try again.
Let me illustrate with an example of what it can look like to step to clarity. While scrolling Threads, I came across this touching note from @wildflowers.and.yoga:
I’m so lonely! I’ve been in my “new” city for 2 years. I’ve joined the gym, a yoga studio, hike local trails, I’ve gone to shows and the farmers market. I walk my dogs in the park. I have not made a single friend. I’m likable, outgoing, friendly and have TRIED to make connections. I do work remotely, so I know that’s a bit of a damper, but I’m not willing to go back to an office.
What else can I do?!
She had many, many thoughtful responses, of which mine was just one (lightly edited for clarity):
Consistency and persistence are helpful shorthands. Show up in the same places at the same times (e.g. not random yoga classes but the same one) and ask people for their numbers and to do something. You really have to be the one to ask because people don’t. Do that a lot. Your people will be the ones left in the sifter. Bonus idea ⬇️
Create something regular to invite people to: a weekly walk or a work-from-coffee-shop afternoon. It helps if you’re solving a need of your own at the same time, so even if it’s just 1-2 people, you get something out of it. It’s a low pressure invitation. Rather than feeling like you’re asking them on a date, it’s more casual. “I organise a group to co-work at the coffee shop on Mondays. Give me your number and I’ll include you!” 🥰
What happened next is where Allanah (@wildflowers.and.yoga) models action leading to clarity so beautifully… First, she shared back her key learnings from synthesizing all of the messages. A few days later, she posted that she’d already tried a few things:
@wildflowers.and.yoga
Here’s what I learned this week:
- It’s free to join MeetUp, but EXPENSIVE to create your own groups. I tried to create a coffee shop work group for remote workers in my area… MeetUp wanted $44.99US a MONTH. Um, no.
- Next order of business: Create a Facebook group for this purpose instead.
- I got a GREAT reminder that even though I might not have made any three dimensional friends here, I have LOTS across the miles. So, I’ve been pouring into those friendships more this week.
- I’m using Marco Polo to keep in touch with my best friend back home and it’s made my heart SO HAPPY to see her and her kiddo. 💜🥹
So, if you’re lonely or stuck in the dark today… I hope you choose to keep going. You’re not alone. You’re not a burden. This world needs your light.
XOXO Allannah
Here’s what I loved about Allannah’s approach: she recognized a need she had, asked for inspiration, and went out and tried something. Then, when the first thing didn’t work (Meetup), she decided on a different approach (facebook). The Meetup app being a dud wasn’t a sign to give up, it was a clue to help her pivot. She also thought broadly about what friendship looks like – and played with creative ways to access friends she already had. This helped her feel the feeling of friendship, even if it didn’t take the form she expected.
I’m confident she’ll keep iterating until she gets where she wants to go, because she’s not precious about expecting one path to be the path. Plus, she’s made us all her accountability partners, so she has some positive pressure to give updates.
Allannah doesn’t know where her new friends are going to come from; she just knows she needs to try some stuff to see what works. Then learn, adjust, and try again.
This is true for making friends, and also for navigating things like where should I go next with my career, where do I want to live when I can live anywhere, and more. Really, anything we deeply desire that feels hard to get clarity on.
Clients often come to me in those situations with a sense of overwhelm and paralysis about where to begin. I get it.
Because these questions feel so important, we can put a lot of weight on them. (And I speak from experience, having tortured myself through many a big life evolution… that’s why I decided to redesign the way we do it!) But if you start adding weight to a question, it makes taking a step, any step, feel heavy and hard.
It’s by taking small and light steps, and not burdening them with the pressure of being the right ones, that we can start moving again.